its been 20 days and spending summer in sydney with my beloved DH isn't as steamy as one might think....metaphorically that is. I'm never a summer weather person. People who know me would know that I'll need 25degC or less to function like a normal decent human being. I'm precisely writing because its too hot to sleep. Sweating and sleeping isn't normal for me and DH thinks we should ride out the horrible heatwave weekend without airconditioning or electric fans. No, he isn't a green-maniac. He's just good in adverse conditions. Not me. I'm 'spoiled' in terms of the weather. I'll cut costs by working in the heat back in singapore, but come sleep time, I need AC, period. One time that my AC brokedown, I went without sleep for almost a week. It was madness. In the end, I was almost insane.
Now that DH is snoring under the 'wet blanket' I made for him, out of towel soaked in cold water, I'm free to indulge in my late-night thoughts I haven't been able to do in a long time. Through time together and apart, its difficult not to deal with the tiny annoying differences we both have. We've been together for almost 13 years now and have spent about 5 years long distance, through hours of arguments, tearing apart each other's characteristics, likes, dislikes, beliefs so many many times, and yet, life still manages to throw us curve balls when we least expect. Perhaps its the nasty heat thats making us less huggable, but isn't couple-hood suppose to survive these adverse situations? I realized I've changed... no longer looked at him the same way I used to. I hate it when that happens. Here is a guy that I've spent so much time and been through so much with, we literally grew up together, yet I'm losing connection with him. No longer it seems exciting, no longer do I feel the rush, the need to be with him. Its a freaky realization. Does this mean this is it? End of the road? No more light at the end of the tunnel? I cried bitterly at this new-found realization. What's gonna happen to us? What am I to do? I told DH, please do something to win me over, and fast. The worst thing was, he didn't change one bit, he still loved me, still did silly little things for me, even though they felt unnecessary. I felt horrible at myself. Maybe the 'freedom' I enjoyed in Singapore without DH was a bad idea. But I could only have time to make stuff and somehow excel at it because I had all those time! Did all that became my life? Has it defined my existence - one without DH? Did he become redundant in the process? There were so many questions directed and I didn't know who or what to blame even though I felt like I was the perpetrator.
A few days later, when things run better after the weird outburst I thought, maybe me, him & us didn't change at all. Maybe it was because I had to be alone in Singapore that I felt I had time and space to self-actualize, to do things I really wanted. I felt happy and the feedback that fed this happiness was all the nice things people said about florspace and the stuff we made with our hearts. It is so important that everything is smooth and everyone is happy. I didn't sleep for 2 days when a dear customer received an empty package. My heart stopped short and DH didn't quite know how to deal with my annoyance then. I felt happy only when it was resolved and she was happy. The only drawback with this life arrangement where I see DH twice a year is that, left to fend for myself, I had to sink myself in the little life I handmade for my very self. The little existence in Singapore remains wholesome with only a smidgen of it left for DH and when that tiny bit shrinks smaller and smaller, that fear of DH's redundancy is realized.
But in the end, after all those thoughts were sorted out and we found new things to discuss (eg, Twillight series, Jacques Lacan & Le Parkour), everything seems to be fine... for now. We still have our little differences, annoyances & the horrible heatwave but it seems we'll be okay. I like to think there's always someone better out there and settling is the easy way out. But when do we stop to think that maybe we should hold back ourselves, work on things and not call it quits when the road gets bumpy? Love is never easy anyways.
Still, when do we really know when its not okay? I'll never know.... I'll enjoy my summer love for now & will try be nice. :+)
