lamentations

Yikes, I've forsaken my blog. Many times I want to do a post but somehow manage to wriggle out of it. Travel date is nearing and um, still not packed. I've been shopping too. Bought some stuff I've always wanted, small stuff. Actually I've been missing my Luella recently. I'm not much into IT bags but I had to have the pink Luella when it came out couple of years back. I had to go to Japan so I made a painful decision to sell it for the trip. It seemed like a good idea at that time but now it just hurts. I hadn't even used it then, it was new, luscious leather in a very enchanting pink. Double sigh. Like every other girl, I feel the leather bag will complete me. Now its feeling a bit empty and very naked. :P

Today was a going out day. I don't like going out so much here coz there's nothing much else to do 'cept shopping and thats detrimental to my wallet & plastic, not to mention eventual pointlessness. I intend to visit museums, sit around in alfresco cafes and read in the botanic gardens in sydney, all because the weather permits. In 33DegC here, all you want is get into a mall, or any air-conditioned place for that matter. Its a tuesday so pple generally want to get home after work. Going out during early weekdays mean a little more space for breathing. I love walking around when people are rushing by somewhere. I found some lovely large deco tapes, a ton of Q-Lia irresistible stationery, Kamio die-cut notepads and Tenorikuma stationery & pencils. I'd prolly take pictures in the morning. I ended the day with a Mocha at Coffee Bean. They were shutting but the nice lady made my drink anyways. I drank it while reading Cold Feet, a novel.

I've been looking for music too. Recently I found out the tune Carrie & Miranda ran around to in the cold war episode, satc was by MC Solaar. Spent a night listening to his tunes on youtube. Listen to him if you haven't already. I always thought rap was crap but this guy.... I can't place it, its definitely something else. Its really touched me in some ways. I like La Belle et Le Bad Boy like everyone else but Caroline makes me wanna cry and Solar Pleure feels heavy. The effects for Nouveau Western & lalalala is great. Its difficult to place a feeling but Solaar makes me feel like the problems I face are so tiny compared to what people face out there. In a way, I'm whining about nothing... when I actually have everything...

I hate making decisions. Hate when I have a choice, crossroads, fork, whatever. I'm afraid that if I make a decision, and things happen, I can never revert to what I was before. Its like getting married. If we break, I would never be single, I would be a divorcee. Its a harsh realisation but thats me, afraid of forever committments & responsibilities, afraid of being labelled, afraid of losing anything. I'm allergic to "you have to do X", it makes me wanna run off. It takes a lot more courage to do what I have to than to just yield to the little voice in my head to run off. I treasure the freedom to change to do anything, but is there a time when we have to make a decision to grow up, settle down, get a job, mortgage, insurance, cars...? Emma of Sugarcane gave me something to think about - what can I do without? I don't want to predict the future me but I know it drives me nuts to think about money, the eternal dividing of resources, opportunity costs, credit card debts, bills, all drives me up the wall. I don't need designer items all the time but I'll be lying if I say I'll be happy in sweats & jerseys for all my life.

Is there a way to actually balance the need for creativity and the need for financial stability? Or do we have to pick something and stay there? And even if we decide to pick the other more desirable/seemingly unstable choice many years later, will we be the same person in the same frame of mind, making the decision for the right reasons? Good on paper vs uncertainty, which decides your life?