Monday, July 09, 2007

Reality sinks in

My background plays "If I never knew you"...

I couldn't fall asleep yesterday. I don't know why but I had a funny feeling. I'm quite sensitive to the parallel dimension. I don't know if it exists, but I prolly won't wanna know. At that moment, I realised DH wasn't around. I called him in the middle of the night. We told me I could when I needed. Still I felt guilty. I manage to fall asleep unknowingly anyways and the day went by as usual.

This evening as I moved to unpack the last box of cargo sent back to me from my life back in Sydney, I felt this sinking feeling in my heart. That last box was a box of books. Our lives revolved around books when we were students, and it continues to remain that way, which makes opening that box really hard. I couldn't do it so I left it. Then I came back to the comp, and it hit me. I'm not in Sydney anymore, not in my old comfortable life with DH at my beck and call. I realised how much I've depended on him and his presence. My heart sank further that this is gonna be reality for the next 5 months til he comes back for Christmas. I'm alone, left alone to fend for myself. Its usually alright in the daytime but the hours get long and hard at night. Every sound is magnified and it naturally leads to creepy thoughts for me. Its hard to fall asleep, even with DH's placebo stuffed sheep toy with his voice in it for a couple of seconds. Its just different when I'm alone. To make myself go to sleep fast without uncessary thoughts, I work at the comp til late, til my eyelids can no longer stand on their own, would I crawl into the cold bed reluctantly.

I usually take about a "honeymoon" week to adjust, then I would realise certain things, or more to the point, certain reality, and start to loathe it. Its weird but after I met DH, its difficult to be alone again, even though there may be times when I miss me time.

1 comment:

Blossom Hill said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling 'blue' right now

It's a pity you have such a long distance relationship with DH, hopefully things will change in the future.
My goodness it is HOT where you are! How long does that go on for I wonder, those migraines so often must be hard to deal with.
I am sure that once your studies start and you have your sewing to keep you busy then life will get more bearable and you can start to feel your normal happy self again.
You are young and creative.
Good luck with that last box of books.
Remember with the telephone and internet you have lots of friends to talk to :)


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